What you will allow, will continue…..
I did a google search to see where this quote comes from…can’t say I was able to locate who was the one that first said this. Honestly, I do share this quote with clients often and I wish I could say it was mine…this quote really makes sense to me. When I share it with clients…especially those folks who feel unappreciated in codependent relationships or challenging relationships..when they first hear this, a light bulb goes off and then….they make every excuse under the sun on how their relationship will never change! Change is scary! I get it…and the only way to experience something different than what we are experiencing in the present moment is to step through the inertia of that fear…and try something new. There are many layers to change BUT, in my opinion, change is possible.
What is not understood is that we ourselves influence what is happening in the context of our relationships as much as those we are in relationship with. Usually, the feeling is resentment that is felt at being over extended in someway…someone in our life is not appreciating us and we feel taken advantage of. Or we do not understand why others don’t react or act like we do or feel the same way that we do about how to be in the relationship and we feel disappointed.
To shift this dynamic, we need to take a step back and take a look at what we ourselves are doing..what is our part in keeping the relationship in its present form. Our partners and others in our life cannot read our minds and know what we expect of them. If we are unhappy with how we are being treated and feel our kindness and support it is not reciprocated, then we need to shift what we are doing. What are our expectations of our partner or loved ones and for ourselves? Do we expect our partners to know what makes us happy or unhappy? Do we know what makes us happy? What are we doing that does not honor our own personal boundaries? Do we honor the boundaries of others? Do we even know what our boundaries are? Have we expressed our needs in the relationship? Do we even know what our needs are?
Sometimes people can get caught in the inertia of the relationship and don’t feel that there is a solution. They will say, “Nothing will ever change, my partner (my family member) will never change.” I get that it feels like that but the real questions I challenge my clients with are to ask themselves ….Am I afraid to make changes in how I am in this relationship because I do not want to rock the boat? If I rock the boat what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of how they will respond? If I set boundaries will they still love me? Am I afraid of others reactions or fear of being unliked or abandoned? Are my fears keeping me from getting my needs met and ultimately more joy and peace in my relationships?
It can be scary to make changes necessary to move our relationships to a healthier version; a version that has us standing in our power and getting the love and respect that we need. To behave any other way than what we know how to is odd and unnatural. When we have been living our lives and interacting in our relationships the same way for so long…it can seem like there is no other way to be. Our social conditioning begins with our family of origin and continues to be influenced by the wider culture of where we live…these undercurrents of influence have such a deep rooted influence upon us… these conditionings may very well mold us into not being able to communicate in a healthy way…we can find speaking our needs to others difficult when we have never done so. We can be so busy making sure others needs are being met that we have failed to take care of our own. And so what we will allow, will continue…. until we peel away these layers of conditioning to reveal our own role in all the madness. We then can make a conscious choice to understand ourselves and know what we need to change to be healthier in our relationships.
To grow and to evolve, it takes some real hard authentic inner work…it is what is needed to have a strong foundation to walk confidently in our relationships and in this world. Working through the fears that keep us complacent in our relationships…fear of what the alternative could look like…this takes exposure to doing scary and difficult things to make us grow. Having things always be easy does not bring us evolution…having adversities and overcoming them and working through our fears is the only way through; It is what is needed to have an evolution of our minds and thus ultimately our souls.